Back To The ROFL is Back, to the... um...

Hi. I believe the title is pretty straight-to-the-point, so by now you know what I'm gonna talk about. This blog has, once again, been resurrected. I've been gone for quite an eternally long time, so I assume that, by now, my two blogs have been written down as history, at least in the history books that go into excruciating detail.

above: last Tuesday.

So, I guess you really don't care why I stopped writing anything here, which is great, since I don't feel like writing a long essay right now.

No. Today, I'm merely going to leave you with a little taste of what is to come on my next entry. This is an album cover from a Portuguese band called Starlight. Feel free to take conclusions.

A Slightly Different Post From The Usual

Hello, everyone. I'm feeling nostalgic, so I'll start the post by apologizing for the lateness of my post (aaaaah... just like in the good ol' times, heh?): sorry. Done.

And now, as for everything else, well, guess some of you will be wondering what the fuck that delay was. I'll explain: I've been in Russia, with an uber sloow Internet connection. Done.

If you're wondering how it was there, fuck you. To give you a good idea of how I spent the vacation, here is the cover for Hydra Lernaia, by Eryn Non Dae.

See? That's me disintegrating over there.

Okay, it wasn't that completely abysmal. There were more burnt tree stumps, less creepy gray vines growing up into the sky, more weeping old ladies and the occasional building randomly going up in flames. The letters on the ground, they're totally real. I even took a photo of them. You can see it below.

What? You don't see 'em? They're right over there.

THERE

You still don't see 'em? Oh, well... Just like you won't see me making fun of any covers on this post. This time, I'm going to dedicate an entry to a song from that same album. I once even put a photo of it before, remember? If you don't, forget it.

Well, whadd'ya know... I've just made as much sense as that line.

Anyway, the song is Echoes Of Distress. Here's the song. No, seriously. Listen to it.

If you listened to the song, you will :(A) - be able to understand the rest of the post ,and (B) - have realized that the vocals are virtually incomprehensible. These are the lyrics I misheard the vocalist saying:

ROLEX!
Rolling the dirt in a flood
Prepare to bomb the mom again
My eyes

RUN FORTH!
In my home!
REAL GIRL, THEY'RE GONE!
BYE!
INCEST!
Tree, mine!
Sealed ale from YORK!!

My technology, toddler
A fucking GIRL!
Get ready to piss
On the guys
Migraine!

Sunshine
Really not my sand
Are you in my head?
Well, well
Cause there's a fucking dress

“My life a gift, a guess
And the pray stick in-guy
Will fall down with the headless spiral
Of the hefty mess”
Swore Lane
Swore Lane

Why, nevermind now
The red's on the sink
I am the might melon
Lego in me
I am the might melon
Black on
I am the Mattel
And there wore Ed

RAAAAAA!!!

One Bob go down
No, I can't be there
Rugged moths
Deserter
End of the add-on

The bow, The bow
And the door
My god!
I know I'm nominee
I only then
Andy cuffs
I know that I'm a knee

Soy sauce and different Ryan
Are taking my insignias
Like ear of fire
Blazer
Too far
My closet
Away
Pull me aside
Think we're
Sist's eye see
Ate some voices I
Clinging and screaming patching a night anatomy
Driving again again
The glorious me migraine
And mercy on my demolition
Is this your car?
Run away 'round a picture.
MY BONE!

Micro lint and lime on my cabbage of a bloke
The Blondies on my stone and
ON my toenails
Well, they are the stash
When something is wobbly
You're a PHONE
(YOU'RE A PHONE)

And Thailand
Dark notch

THE RUM

SHIELDING THE WAD
MY ONLY WAY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT

And now, here are the real lyrics:

Hopeless- I've reached such an inner strife- a downward spiral became my life
I'm trapped in my own introspection- my mistakes feed my self-destruction
I found an exit to this never-ending hell- in radiant abyss of darkness I fell

The subliminal voices I hear in my head- they bear the echoes of distress

My life: a gift? A curse?
In a breathtaking dive- I'm falling down in endless spiral of the emptiness- swirling- twirling

I hear the voices and they're calling me
I hear the voices and they won't leave me

All hopes fall down- no one can help me now
I keep on descending into the unknown- deeper and deeper in this hole
Attracted by law of gravity- my whole existence becomes another tragedy

I fall in the void of myself and crossing through the blackness of my soul
I found my solace in the arms of death- the soothing heat of the otherside

In silence I touch the ground!

Eternal sleep was my only way out

Hey! I got "my only way oooooooooooooooooooooooout" right!

Three Blind Singers (THIS IS NOT AN OFFENSIVE POST! I PROMISE!!!)

Trust me here when I say that I have absolutely nothing against blind people at all, and I'm not at all going to laugh at the fact that their hearing is extremely acute as well as their sense of touch. In fact, my best friend is... okay, scratch that. I just want to say that I'm not going to use stereotypes, and am not going to make fun of the fact that the people on the following cover are blind and very likely to play piano much better than anyone with a good eyesighhh... FUCK! Okay, it won't happen again.

I promise.

DAMMIT! Okay. Sorry. That slipped. Won't happen again. No stereotypes from now on.

I SAID NO STEREOTYPES!

Uhh... I'll just move on to showing you the cover and get this over with.

AAAARRGHHH!!!!!!

HERE'S THE COVER!

Pheww!...

Now, aside from it being a cover so dull that it becomes unintentionally hilarious, we have a title that doesn't really make much sense in the context of the name of the group. So, you're The Braillettes, and your album is called Our Hearts Keep Singing... Riight... You see, that album title would have made sense if you were called The Sign Languagettes, because that title would lead people to believe that you are also, in fact, mute. You sing in English: a language that doesn't require a person to see in order to be spoken.

Although you might be referring to the fact that none of the lyrics were printed in braille, rendering it impossible for any of you to read them, thus mentioning a technical difficulty you had during the recording sessions. On the other hand, you're the Braillettes. That band name would not make any sense if Braille wasn't actually involved somewhere.

My verdict is simple. What could have sounded inspirational ended up sounding retar... NO!... Stupid! WERE you The Sign Languagettes, though, you could have marketed your 11 tracks of total silence as an art experiment, and collectors would then want to buy the copies for ridiculously high prices for the artistic value of your inspirational statement: You don't need to sing... You just need to BELIEVE.

Disclaimer:
To all the blind people currently reading this blog entry, first of all, this post was not at all written as a means to offend any type of person, merely criticizing a lack of logic supporting the name of the above album, and secondly, if you're blind, how the hell are you reading this in the first place?

Sex & Drugs & Gore & Fetuses

There is a part of the underground metal scene dedicated pretty much entirely to making humorous and gory sexual innuendos/jerking off. This part of metal mainly ranges from Slam Death Metal to Goregrind and Porngrind, and some of its covers are truly disgusting.

Oh god! The logo is fluorescent green!

Although there are, of course, covers which are truly funny. This is the case with Cerebral Engorgement's Shot Bong Suicide. We have a whole storyline with this one!

We have a protagonist, who goes to the toilet in the middle of the night to take a dump. He also brings along his trusty shotgun (What? Don't tell me you don't do the same thing.) After realizing that getting high, drunk and sedated is not helping with his explosive diarrhea, he does the sensible thing and gives his shotgun a blowjob.

I'm telling you, dude. You do not want that to ejaculate.

...Uhh... And then they lived happily ever after?

So, there you have it: gore, sexual innuendos and humor (a definite "maybe" there...). I could end this post here, but you know that I won't do that. If you have a life, you can stop reading here, because now I'm going to inquire about how the guy was able to pull the trigger, considering that his right shoulder is more than broken, and stuff like that. Yep. I'm gonna talk about the flaws in the story.

First, if the guy, let's call him Crappy, was getting high while taking a shit, he had to hide the weed somewhere from the cops. If you're following my train of thought, you will have realized by now that Crappy was smoking weed coated with food that had gone through his digestive system.

I'm not going to talk about the way that it is impossible for that eye to have flown in that path, because it's much more worrying that Crappy had not one, but two baby fetuses inside his cranium. Seriously. If he hadn't killed himself, it would have been just a matter of time before he had a reenactment of that scene from Alien in front of his very eyes. Literally.

In conclusion, I have to say that this gory story is full of shit. Again, literally.

Time Machines And Flesh

According to Wikipedia, Jane Doe is "[...] A placeholder name in a legal action [...] for a [...] party, whose identity is unknown or withheld for legal reasons.". In other words, 4Chan has Anonymous and the court has Jane Doe.

Until Anonymous became a group against Scientology, though, Anonymous did not by default contain a capital "A", and meant that you were trying not to reveal any personal info and preferred keeping escape as a viable option, if things ever got messy. The point is that, in theory, if you're anonymous, nobody will know who you are, where you are from, what causes you support. On the other hand, if you're Anonymous, you automatically hate the Church of Scientology, are a user of 4Chan and wear a cool Guy Fawkes mask. A really great way to stay completely incognito, huh?

"You know absolutely nothing about me!"

Similarly, the Metalcore band Converge had really stayed in the spirit of Jane Doe's incognitoness when they released an album entitled Jane Doe, along with a Jane Doe T-shirt, a Jane Doe cap and a Jane Doe jeans patch.








Come on! The only way that you could have possibly been more besides the meaning behind Jane Doe was if you made a Jane Doe bag, or something.


You didn't! Sure, it's a very memorable face (much like the face of Anonymous). But isn't it maybe a little too memorable if you're trying to keep a low profile?

In fact, it's so memorable that I've already spent an hour writing this and haven't really reached the actual main idea of the post, which is the following:

I've known this cover for a long time now, and there has always been something about it that creeps me the fuck out. Something in the face of Jane Doe. Something in the vacant expression and the half closed eyes looking down upon you. It came to me when I was seeing Shaun Of The Dead yesterday. Let's look at the cover again.


Observe how, even before having had her body desintegrated in a time machine malfuntion, it was already not all there. We can clearly see two huge bite marks. One on her neck and one on her cheek. Who would have made those bites? If you haven't seen it yet, allow me to give a hint:


Now, here's the question: What could a zombie be possibly doing in a time machine?

A Totally Fuckin' Biased Post

What would you get if Dream Theater got signed to Nuclear Blas(t), tried to at the same time appeal to fatass dudes who mosh with a boner and to Justin Bieber fans, and locked Jordan Rudess in a cage somewhere?

"Ok, John. You can get out now."

If your answer to that question was "Uhh... What?", then you're probably right. On the other hand, in the off chance that you said "Scar Symmetry", congratulations! Your mind is as fucked up as mine.

I'm warning you beforehand that I'm breaking the rule of being impartial in my posts big time today, because the reason why I'm writing it is that I fucking detest Scar Symmetry. They have become huge pretty much overnight and they must be stopped. They sound like a dumbed down Train Of Thought-era Dream Theater if they had an extra vocalist for growls and if James LaBrie was trying to sound like Philip Anselmo from Pantera in a boy-band.

Two of the above people are vocalists.

They're not even terrible in a good way, like Mindless Self Indulgence! SS make cringe-worthy music. MSI make cringe-worthy music in style.

"When I say "we", you say "suck"."

I mean, these guys from Gothenburg don't even have comic relief to save them! They are one of the most unfunny and serious bands in the world. They could only possibly be more humorless if they wore suits to shows and called themselves Kraftwerk.

"The crowd is ecstatic as the employees relentlessly work on next month's conference presentation"

How can you make a joke about a band whose albums have completely ambiguous and generic artwork? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO RIDICULE CIRCLES?!!

Oops! Wrong band.

By now, you're probably wondering why I've grown to hate SS (that's an acronym for Scar Symmetry, not the other thing. Ahh... fuck it! It's both). Well, let me tell you that their song "The Missing Coordinates" is great, and I decided to buy Holographic Universe (it's the one with the cover depicting a blue coffee stain) based on said song's strength.

I hope their faces are contorted because the diarrhea-coloured Pepsi is digusting, 'cause they paid it with money I FUCKIN' EARNED THEM!

That was in January, and, so far, I've listened to that album from start to finish once. I am not going to endure that again, and don't want anyone else to have to either. What I've learned about them is that they are from Nuclear Blas(t) (a clear warning for things to come) that the booklet has absolutely NOTHING wrong with it, and that I'm not the only person who manages to make something that is at the same time nausea-inducingly terrible and boring. Hell! Even I don't know why I hate their music so much. They're basically a catchier Dream Theater, and I LIKE Dream Theater!

Well, now I have a headache, and haven't developped into the topic in hand at all. What's worst is that I'm going to finish the post exactly now.

The 20 Funniest AxCx Song Titles

Greetings. Now that I've reached the 25th post with a glorious bang of nothing, you know what will happen next: The blog will fall into a steady decline in terms of funniness (it probably already has, but you'll be able to see that I will stop even trying to be funny), the number of frequent readers will fall from zero to minus forty-eight and a half, it'll be forever forgotten and I'll end up dying in a trashcan somewhere with an overdose of antidepressants.

Unless I write something mildly shocking. Not so shocking as to get people to make Facebook groups called "Endrey Is A Fucking Idiot Who Should Have Been Killed By Sex Offenders For That Super Controversial Thing He Said Once", but shocking enough to get the old ladies who happen to stumble upon my blog to fall off their chairs and spill Lapsang Souchong all over the carpet. Something like writing a post about AxCx, also known as Anal Cunt.

"Good to see you again. I see you haven't bothered to wipe the mud off your face from that last post."

Most senile citizens reading this have by now become shocked and are making a rant about how, back in their day, such disgraceful words as the "a" and the "c" word weren't even written in diaries, on account that someone might want to take a peek. If the band name hasn't set them off, then the next sentence will:

Citing Anal Cunt, "You're Old (Fuck You)"

...Which brings us nicely to the topic of today's entry. After all, the above track title is not the only one with a ridiculous name in the Anal Cunt catalog, which goes beyond 6000 songs (although only a few hundred actually have names). Please note that this post is not written with the intention of making fun of Anal Cunt...

They've covered that duty pretty well.

...But to celebrate their accomplishment in a career of intentional self-parody and hurtful comments towards everyone. I have rounded up the 20 titles I consider the funniest. Why have I done this instead of finding an album cover to make fun of? I'm feeling lazy, and this way I don't really have to invent any jokes, since they're all there.

#20- Music Sucks

This bold statement pretty much sets the mood for all the song titles to come, or should I say... BALD statement?

#19- Bald To The Bone

This is, by far, the most baldass name to come from the baldfest that is Howard Is Bald. Arise, Jordan Rudess! Arise David Draiman! Arise, Jens Kidman! Arise, Britney Spears, and rejoice in the name of baldness! Welcome to Baldbylon!

As you can see, A.C. brings bald people together in pretty much the same way that music brings together... uhh... music fans. This band is apparently out there to stop such bullshit once and for all (the music fans, bald people are too awesome to stop). The first thing they do is reduce their fanbase to only homosexual people.

#18- All Our Fans Are Gay

After that, they eliminate all the hipsters within the fanbase by every means possible.

#17- Everyone In Anal Cunt Is Dumb

#16- Being Ignorant Is Awesome

#15- When I Think Of Punk Bands, I Think Of Nirvana And The Melvins

...And here's the finisher for that bunch:

#14- MTV Is My Source For New Music

"Critical hit! It's super-effective!"

Now that that's taken care of (mostly), they look at other possibilities and invite new, more naive people to the clutches of Anal Cunt, such as prog fans and kvlt people.

#13- Song Titles Are Fucking Stupid

Many a prog fan will agree with that statement.

#12- Abomination Of Unnecessarily Augmented Composition Monikers

But said progheads were left drooling with the above song title, just like kvlt crowd was with the below one.

#11- Brutally Morbid Axe Of Satan

Now that they have an audience to piss off, time to take it out group by group. First go the people in bands,...

#10- No, We Don't Want To Do A Split 7 Inch With Your Stupid Fucking Band

...Then the trve kvlt black-metalheads (THERE'S A HYPHEN THERE),...

#9- "I'm Not Allowed To Like A.C. Anymore Since They Signed To Earache"

#8- Living Colour Is My Favourite Black Metal Band

... and, finally, everyone that's left. After all, the only remaining people who actually care are a bunch of nerds who live in their mom's basement.

#7- Your Best Friend Is You

Anyone who persists is crazy and weird. With the next salvo of hatred towards everyone, there will be nobody left, and that means NOBODY. First, a direct insult at you that you yourself can do! :D It's like Mad Libs, only instead of filling it out with (NOUN), (VERB) and (PERSON IN ROOM), you fill it with (INSULT).

#6- You (Fill In The Blank)

#5- I Sold Your Dog To A Chinese Restaurant

#4- I Lit Your Baby On Fire

#3- I Sent A Thank You Card To The Guy Who Raped You

Oh! And remember that there were still the non-hipster homosexuals left over from earlier? Well, not anymore!

#2- I Sent Concentration Camp Footage To "America's Funniest Home Videos"

What comes to anyone still not convinced into hating AxCx, maybe the "eww" factor will work.

#1- Our Band Is Wicked Sick (We Have The Flu)

Well, there you have it. The elderly citizens reading this are now probably having their pacemaker replaced while also having a major operation on all those clogged arteries that burst from so much furious ranting. Meanwhile, I want to say thanks to André Ribeiro (AKA Andy Kancer) for not being ashamed of admitting that he supports my blog. It makes me feel very honored to know that somebody appreciates the fine art of causing near to physical pain through the utter boredom and dullness of failed attempts at comedy.