Icing on Vanilla (pt.1)

Now, I know I'm shooting fish in a barrel with this post, but, staying with that metaphor for a second, fish aren't sentient, so they won't know what hit 'em.

New race of fish, the Ichthya Metaphoris.

So, anyway, sorry for the longer than usual delay between the post about Those Whom The Gods Detest and this one. I can explain... actually, I can't. It seems that I had simply forgotten to post anything, which is rather embarassing.

So, ANYWAY, you might have already realized that this post is about none other, but Vanilla Ice, the walking depiction of the proverb "If you don't get it right the first time, try again.", with the single exception that he got it right the first time, but ended up having to try again anyway. Four times, to be exact, and soon to be the fifth.

He was the first white rapper to gain mainstream popularity, and he would have been the last, if it weren't for Eminem.

"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling wigger"

He started his career in 1989, with the strangely accurately named Hooked...

Apparently, in 1989, standing on blocks of ice covered in... icing (?) ... was considered arousing.

...since, merely a year later, everyone WAS hooked on Vanilla Man, when he pretty much released the same album again, only with a different name, and a few more songs.

Note that this is not his lamest cover. BY FAR.

You know V Ice's one and only chart topper? Ice Ice Baby? Well, yeah. It appeared on three of his albums. It appears on both Hooked and To The Extreme, and for some reason it's also on his newest album so far, Platinum Underground (I'll talk about that later). By the way he likes saying he's completely gone past his rocky beginnings. Not a good idea when you try to go back to them so hard...

After reaching the 899nth second of his 15 minutes fame, he decided it's a good time to completely change the way we look at things... or, more probably, what words mean. Put simply, since when is "cool" an insult?!

"I'm totally cool. Look at my motorcycle and sunglasses and super cool pants. Kandinsky made them for me. And did I mention the popped collar and ultra-rad purple background?"

If we associate "coolness" to an actual value of temperature, and if we for a moment assume Vanilla Ice is really "Cool As Ice" (slightly under zero degrees Celsius), we can safely say that the totally normal-looking girl he's apparently hooking up with, or trying to, will be associated with a temperature of exactly zero... Kelvin.

In other words, anything and everything is cooler than V Ice on that photo, so, anything and everything is cooler than ice. Much cooler than ice. In fact, if Mr. Iceguy was actually Cool As Ice, the whole universe would have simply been a large collection of electrons, protons and neutrons unable to react until collapsing back into being a singularity. That is, provided that the big bang even happened, since there would have been no energy in existence. Since nothing would have been created it would have been impossible to make any comparison in coolness to Mr. Vanilla, leading to a paradox in time and space and shit like that.

Above: The universe according to Vanilla Ice.

So, Vanilla Ice has just destroyed the entire universe and his whole fanbase (I'll talk about that later) solely with the power of an inappropriate title for the soundtrack of an inappropriately named movie.

OH SHI-


to be continued...